Breath of life

I haven't had time to write or even vlog about life but on the eve of Mother's Day I found a quiet moment after putting the kids to sleep. Huge to do lists keep waiting to be addressed but not as important as decompressing a bit through writing.

Not quite sure where to  begin, but all I can say is stress has taken a toll on my body; mentally physically and emotionally.

I want to find an outlet for all thats been bottled in and in a way writing is somewhat therapeutic since everything else is failing.

Working all the time and raising a family is NO joke. I admire all those who have mastered that kind of life. I live with guilt daily as I watch my children grow older and with out me. Every moment I get to be with them I am drained and can barely pay attention. All the lovely art projects my beautiful little girl is shows me or the fun she has at school with her friends are blur. My son who will be a year in a month barely spends any quality time with me. This is so painful to even acknowledge considering how much time I gave my daughter. I feel even guilty to want to spend time alone or go on dates with my husband even though I feel our relationship is more of a business one rather than a marriage. I feel this panic arise because I know these are a few of my stresses. My chest tightens, and I have a hard time breathing. It's a sensitive topic. Have you ever seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler? I totally get it now. I just wish I didn't have emotions.

I love the fact that we own a business, but the time and energy it needs is insane! I have a good work ethic but I never thought I would be working in right into bed time. At night I barely sleep because of the baby yet somehow I get up and keep pushing forward. Did I mention it's still just my husband and I working without any help?! We tried hiring people but decided to keep the costs down until we are ready.

Helping people is extremely rewarding! I love all the wonderful things our patients say after seeing us and all the referrals we get but there were a couple cases where patients left me speechless. I always have hope in people but sometimes I just want to become negative. You can't please everyone I guess, but I haven't developed a thick enough skin to let toxic people's judgements roll off my shoulders.

I know we need to slow down or I will crash but taking a day off is not like taking a day off because patients never stop calling and if I choose to not answer I get guilted into answering. I can't run away even for a bit. It's like I am trying to be a perfect mother for my kids and a perfect employee for my husband and keep failing everyone because the nagging doesn't end and the kids always want more attention(which I don't mind). There is not enough time in the day to deal with the massive to do list(that is constantly growing) for the office. Decisions always need to be made but I can't even handle personal decisions anymore. I used to want to have some sort of control of my life but now I can't even make a decision on what to eat or what to wear with having difficulty breathing.

I've recently had an anxiety attack, this one was more intense than others. My chest started to tighten and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I fell and hit my head on the tile floor. After that fall things have been a bit more interesting. Not only do I  get this tightness that my airways are closing up on me I also feel dizzy and sometimes nauseous. This is super scary considering how strong resilient I used to be. Is my weakness to deal with the compounding stress part of aging? Or is it me not being able to handle it all? I know lack of sleep is not helping but there is nothing I can do about that.

I know lots of happy pictures might paint a different view of my life but those pictures are just stills small moments in time of me trying to be positive and pretend everything is OK. In reality I just want to run away from obligations, expectations and all that is expected of me. I pray things get better because this wise person told me once that when I'm older I will miss this turbulent restless moment in my life because it will fly by super fast. I don't want anything to fly by fast. I want to enjoy my children growing up and INVEST time into them!

Anyways, for all you mother's out there...Happy Mother's Day! May all your loved ones shower you with love and attention you deserve! And maybe some sleep  and rest ;)

The Changes...

No one likes change, some people go through change effortlessly while others fight it until you can't fight it and it naturally becomes the new norm. I think I fall somewhere in between. The last 12 months have been a HUGE change. In the beginning it was an interesting change, there was a sense of excitement to it, but as time went on things got harder, time became more valuable, and family became the most important aspect in life.

Watching my family, relationship and self evolve has been easy until our business has opened and the "HARD" Change took place. Learning new things with limited time and lack of sleep and 2 kids is quite a challenge.

As I look back on the last 12 months and reflect I definitely see tremendous growth within my self, within my relationship with my husband, children and friend(or lack thereof)

The constant that I noticed is family will always be there for you when you think you can't handle it any longer. These are the people you can truly be yourself with and they can judge, love, support, help and accept you all at the same time. Even though sometimes you want to get away from them but the moment you get some alone time you realize you need them back because somehow you just can't live without them any longer.

I tend to get pessimistic when it's just non stop change and negativity. The reason for negativity is because I wouldn't know what to expect and try to resist it, and in reality making it much more difficult. Then negative questions follow, "When will this end?" "Why is this happening to me?" Luckily my hubby has been a great support system now that I stopped opening my heart up to "friends" and just to those who see me struggle and/or going through same thing, because they "get it" and truly offer their compassion and understanding. I NEVER thought I would become so private with my life but this learning process has left me with no choice, and not time.

Change is really difficult and if you don't embrace it and or surround yourself with like minded people it can take your joy from you.

I guess in my situation, we opened this business. I have never worked in the Dental field before despite knowing many dental terms many years ago when my hubby was in dental school. Working in your own practice is a whole new ballpark. Working with your spouse is a blog and a topic of its own.

 Learning the crazy world of insurances and dealing with many types of personalities that come through our doors is quite overwhelming. I consider myself to be super social but lately I just want to get away from people.

I do have to admit, I love it when people say I look great on 4 hours of sleep. THANK GOD for MAKEUP! Which actually is the only thing I do for myself these days.

I have been thrown into learning how to manage a successful business, insurances, hiring people, taxes, advertising,  taking care of new born child and toddler, marriage, house and pup. Trying to figure out how to get enough rest when in reality I will never get the ample sleep I once got as kid. You give all you have, try your hardest to make it work even though you want to run away most of the time but as time passes you realize how much of a bigger, stronger, wiser, maturer person you can/have become once you persevere.

It's a huge realization and there will be casualties when huge life changes are going on. And by casualties you get to see what kind of people you are surrounded with. Some will offer to watch your kids, pick up kids from school, clean your house and some will actually do it(Thank you, you know who you are!) because some how, some way they get it, they see the pain they see the stress and they reach out! They get you're going through something tough. Some will try to avoid you because they don't want to hear about any more hardship, they just want the "HAPPY STORY" or pretend everything is ok or pop back in when things are calmer. I have learned to accept certain people for who they are and stopped worrying about it. Life's to short to worry about those who don't care. In reality time is moving soo fast it's hard to sit there and dwell, so oh well.
Some new amazing people join you for the ride, those who are in the same boat or relate to you on an emotional, mature  level even if there is an age difference.

The evolution and change will continue, I'm glad I found time to reflect and accept things. Once I stopped pouring out my heart to the world and focused on the people who truly cared. My husband and I for one have learned to appreciate one another. We are able to talk again about our worries because a new stronger trust is being built now that we are in business together. Another layer is added to our nine years of marriage.

 As we move forward and continue to embrace change my husband says to me  " you have to let things happen and those who care about you will be there and praise you for your success, while others will pass on. The most important is to learn this quickly and never forget the ones who will always be there for you, FAMILY!"

Mila's Birth and First two weeks of life Part 1

I recently unbacked my external hardrive and decided to browse the videos on there. Since Mila's birthday just passed her birth videos caught my eye. I've compiled a video of that journey and posted it to my channel.

I can't believe how huge I looked! My hubby even said, "Is that my wife?!" LOL
That's why when I moved to Florida I vowed never to torture my body like that again! I exercised religiously during my second pregnancy, watched what I ate and followed the same structure after the birth of my son!

It's amusing watching Mila's birth and then Lex's birth! I definitely learned a thing or two about weight, beauty and keeping it together during the labor!

Weekend fun despite being weak!

We had a busy weekend filled with fun activities! The circus came to town and we decided to go as a whole family! It was a really neat experience! Mila was old enough to pay attention and was really into the show! Lex was so cute, poor thing really wanted to know what was going on. He tried looking around at all the lights and moving objects! He was so tired but eventually decided to give into sleep.
It was a great family outing! I was still a bit sick but the antibiotics were kicking in and the symptoms were slowly vanishing!

A long time ago I purchased tickets to the food and wine event in Boca and was really looking forward to going since I love to EAT :) but since I was under the weather for the last week I was hoping to get the tickets off my hands. Surprisingly I couldn't find anyone who wanted them so I was forced to get a sitter and have a date night with hubby! I wasn't my enthusiastic self as I was getting ready to go, but I knew we couldn't waste our money like that. I loaded up on Advil and we headed out! I was slightly nervous leaving Lex with a sitter because the little guy hates being away from me! Everything worked out! He managed and I managed to be away and enjoyed a couple of hours minus the kiddos!

At the event we met some lovely people and enjoyed a variety of foods! I was a bit surprised at how many people were in attendance! If I didn't have kids I wouldn't mind it but waiting in lines for food while on the clock was not exactly relaxing! It was a good break though so I will leave it at that!

Sunday we missed church, which I was supper bummed about but I got a chance to rest, Slightly and later were invited over to our friends house for tea and cake! It was great to see the toddlers play and babies interact in their own baby way...LOL great time and a good way to wrap up the weekend!

Vote Vote Vote!

What an exciting day but stressful at the same time! No knowing the results! I hope all of you are voting today and making it count!

I'm so glad I voted in advance because I have such a huge pile of administrative papers that need to be handled ASAP!

Also, I am stalking the fedex website like a mad woman! It says it will be delivered tomorrow but I kind of want to go to the fedex facility the moment the phone checks in there! I know I know I'm just to excited to get my new phone!

Healthy wise, I feel like I'm getting sick all over again! Sheesh when is it going to end?? I'm truly tired of being sick every other week! Halloween candy isn't helping either! Today I am done with candy! Hold me accountable, OK?!

Here's my watch me shrink update. Different women tell me I look tiny but I know I still have work to do. I look the women who tell me that and think you are way smaller than me. Anyways, the most important is to be confident in your own skin and although I do but I need to be toner! I want ABS!

Unfortunately this week I have gained weight :( Lets see if I can use this obstacle to get into the 120s for next week!

Switching to IPHONE! The package has been SHIPPED!!!

Oh my goodness, I just checked my email and had a shipment notification for my NEW Cell phone! I have been waiting so patiently. I honestly can't wait to start using this new device!


I have been a devoted Droid user for a while and have come to a realization that I have been living under a rock! Yes Iphone offers so much more and is so much more advanced! After trying out the Samsung Galaxy III I just kept getting frustrated with the device. Voice commands were not clear, email was hard to use and the list goes on and on. I felt guilty at times trying to convince myself to get the Iphone but decided to to the store and compare the 2 phones.

I was blown away by how effortless using the Iphone was, I felt stupid for waiting this long. So now waiting for the package to arrive, I feel like a kid at Christmas waiting for that special gift!!!!

Halloween 2012 & Sick Yet AGAIN!!!

It seems after weeks, months of hard work, a new baby and endless work days, numerous arguing we can't seem to catch a break. After an eventful weekend we are now all SICK yet again! Well, Pavel is still holding up pretty well.  The weather is absolutely gorgeous and we're stuck indoors! Mila has a massive fever. Lex has been fighting one off all night. He was moaning this morning and it just breaks my heart watching them suffer!
Before the kiddos got sick we had a fabulous time hanging out with friends, school events etc. Pavel and I have decided we're in NEED of a vacation! As soon as time permits I will book a little getaway for us!

It's quite strange not taking a vacation for such a long time and back in the day I was the one who would plan these way in advance and have something to look forward to. How could i have forgotten about taking time to rejuvenate? It was Pavel who initiated it, which is so not like him! He must be burned out just as bad! I just hope we can find time to get away before the project is complete and the office is ready to open.

But first, I have to bring this children back to health. Hopefully it will pass soon!

Also, so worried about our family in DC and NY as Sandy is about to break landfall!
Here's a vlog of our fun weekend! Subscribe!